A Revision…

depth at Saturn’s
rainbow edge

I slice through her misty clouds
like a diver tumbling

asking forgiveness is like this-
a grandiose beginning and
humble end

right side down
when forgiven
or not

lost in a toxic fog,
unfound and confounded,
(so spun I am rounded)

becoming a pinpoint flaw
in an otherwise
perfect sky

The original was written in blue pen. Most of it was scratched out or in parentheses. My 20 year old self loved parentheses a little too much. I cut most of it, and tried to polish what was left. The end result is the above poem, and a conclusion: You can’t replace 20 with 34. 20 was raw and idealistic. 34 has turned bitter. I like the original better…flaws and all.


3 thoughts on “A Revision…

  1. come ON! 34 is the cusp of womanhood….the flaws transmute into grace and you begin a journey unfolding into absolute beauty. come with me, on a trip, the twenty yr old is waiting to be absorbed and expressed in a bold and womanly way!! you KNOW I’m right πŸ˜‰

    • SwirlGirl says:

      I kinda figured we were going on a journey together anyway. πŸ™‚ But, you are right. There is something about 34 that surpasses 20. lots of things, really. Especially being a mother. There is nothing more womanly than pushing a baby out, which you well know. πŸ˜‰

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